Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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