My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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