Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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