brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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