i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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