She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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