I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
