We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I wish I could teleport
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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