we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
