She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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