You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You dont lie about slip and slides
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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