Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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