he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
