he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
