I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
