I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
