I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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