i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
FUCK WHALES
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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