I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
