I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
