I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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