Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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