come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
