i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
