I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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