YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
did i walk over a car last night?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
