Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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