I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Don't make out with my wife yet
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
