Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
