I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
