We got so high we made milksteak
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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