I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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