he puts the penis in happiness.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
