Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
