my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.