if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.