My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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