I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
