she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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