Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
