Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
