Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
