'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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