i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
