Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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