The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
