my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
