I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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