Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
