There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
