I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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