I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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