I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
