When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
