I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
