Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My cat gives me a boner
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
