I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
