I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
