i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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